I feel alive when people recognize me. To be brutally honest, I feel the best when I am appreciated and loved and showered with attention. And all of this was completely unconscious and instinctive.
Now I know its cause. A loneliness and abject fear of dark that ran so deep in my childhood. This made me a liar and a coward. I lied to get people's attention. I exaggerated to entertain. I still do.
I don't blame this on my parents. They were there for me at all times. They still are. But I needed more people around. I was afraid of the dark. And I was afraid of my mind. Because my mind enabled me to imagine things. Left free, my mind conjured up images that were terrifying.
In some ways, I am still terrified of my mind. Some days I curse my imagination. I participate involuntarily in my nightmares.
Is this the only way for me to feel alive. Am I not self sufficient? Do I need people's attention and admiration as much as I need food and water?
Ask these questions to yourself. Watch your thoughts.
Now I know its cause. A loneliness and abject fear of dark that ran so deep in my childhood. This made me a liar and a coward. I lied to get people's attention. I exaggerated to entertain. I still do.
I don't blame this on my parents. They were there for me at all times. They still are. But I needed more people around. I was afraid of the dark. And I was afraid of my mind. Because my mind enabled me to imagine things. Left free, my mind conjured up images that were terrifying.
In some ways, I am still terrified of my mind. Some days I curse my imagination. I participate involuntarily in my nightmares.
Is this the only way for me to feel alive. Am I not self sufficient? Do I need people's attention and admiration as much as I need food and water?
Ask these questions to yourself. Watch your thoughts.
