I feel alive when people recognize me. To be brutally honest, I feel the best when I am appreciated and loved and showered with attention. And all of this was completely unconscious and instinctive.
Now I know its cause. A loneliness and abject fear of dark that ran so deep in my childhood. This made me a liar and a coward. I lied to get people's attention. I exaggerated to entertain. I still do.
I don't blame this on my parents. They were there for me at all times. They still are. But I needed more people around. I was afraid of the dark. And I was afraid of my mind. Because my mind enabled me to imagine things. Left free, my mind conjured up images that were terrifying.
In some ways, I am still terrified of my mind. Some days I curse my imagination. I participate involuntarily in my nightmares.
Is this the only way for me to feel alive. Am I not self sufficient? Do I need people's attention and admiration as much as I need food and water?
Ask these questions to yourself. Watch your thoughts.
Now I know its cause. A loneliness and abject fear of dark that ran so deep in my childhood. This made me a liar and a coward. I lied to get people's attention. I exaggerated to entertain. I still do.
I don't blame this on my parents. They were there for me at all times. They still are. But I needed more people around. I was afraid of the dark. And I was afraid of my mind. Because my mind enabled me to imagine things. Left free, my mind conjured up images that were terrifying.
In some ways, I am still terrified of my mind. Some days I curse my imagination. I participate involuntarily in my nightmares.
Is this the only way for me to feel alive. Am I not self sufficient? Do I need people's attention and admiration as much as I need food and water?
Ask these questions to yourself. Watch your thoughts.
Answering to few of your questions
ReplyDeleteFood are water are must for living. But no one else other than parents and relatives are needed to live. Why you have to grab people's attention?? If you continue to do what you are doing one day or the other surely you will be recognized by others. Think positively at all times so that even when your mind is left free you will not be left into awkward thoughts. And of couse GOD is there with you, surrounding you and within you. So why you have to be araid of the dark? Be positive and think positive. Hope not alL, atleast i have answered some of your questions.
Thanks for your reply, Janani. This post was meant to induce introspection in the reader. It is as much about the reader as it is about me. We all seek validation and that tendency to seek approval, validation, recognition should be quenched. It takes a lot of will power to do that. I am writing to induce change in my readers in some small positive way.
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